"The girl in my English class did her presentation on prayer yesterday. She gave me a nickel and a candy bar. Who cares what her speech was about, I got money and candy!" -Me
"Most people don't pay attention to what time they was born. But I was." -me (at 1:09 AM after a long and tiring day. I was in a hotel room with 5 friends and we were all trying to sleep so we could be up and ready to go by 9:30 AM)
"Chris, it's Lisa. I'm just calling to make sure you don't think I'm mad at me." - Me. I hate answering machines for this reason.
"I'm going to inject you with seasoning!" - Josh. He didn't mean to say that.
"It is night, I'm not Chrystal, I am Super Horsefly!" - Chrystal
"Why are we listening to Techno Bluegrass?" -Chrystal's response to my Journey CD.
"I'm going to call Nick and if he isn't home, I'm going to leave an answering on his message machine." -Megan
"You can disagree, but you'd be wrong." -Josh
"I think this Amoco has a gas station." -Travis (he meant to say bathroom)
"I am Dumbo the unicorn" -Chris
"What I got out of the Britney video is that she likes to dance and climax in a steamy room...whatever floats your boat I guess." -Steph
"I'm so excited, stuff is coming out my nose!" -Jen (we were in double overtime at a basketball game and Jen's nose started running. She credited the hyped up basketball game with making her nose run.)
"JONATHAN!" -Amanda D.
Amanda D: "Can we sing happy birthday to me on the tram?"
Me: (singing) "Happy Birthday to me on the tram"
"Slibidibadiba... Which is a city near Denver!" -Jason
Me: LOL there was this booth at the Hudsonville Fair where they did face painting and hair streaking... The lady that made the signs must not have had much schooling.....
Chris: huh?
Me: She was offering "Hair steaking" and the face paint was a 3d bubble paint that you could "Peel off and us over and over agian"
Chris: hmm. weird. steaking? well i will take the medium-rare sirloin
Me: There was an exit sign in the hall where they held the rally on Newsies.
Ernie: So?
Me: So they didn't have exit signs back then.
Ernie: They didn't have people singing and dancing in the street either.
Josh: (to Nick) We're not fat, we're built.
Nick: Yeah! We're built! (to Ernie) And you're still under construction.
"I went almost 2 days with no Coke. I gave in last night at the fair. Not because it was Coke and I love Coke, but because it was FREE Coke and I'm Dutch." -me
"Owl? I have an owl. I keep him in my pocket. And when I go to take him out, he magically becomes A QUARTER!" -Josh
"I'm pleasantly plump, kidnap me." -Josh. He was trying to explain that a bumper sticker he saw (Fat people are hard to kidnap) should say pleasantly plump because he's not fat. He's pleasantly plump. It came out all wrong and I laughed to the point of crying... While I was at work... and then a customer came in.
Me: "The monkey's seizing! We need Dr. Carter!"
Amanda D: *gasp* DIE MONKEY DIE!
Me: "You know how people say 'You got hoed'? Do they mean hoe as in slutty chick or hoe as in garden tool?
Kelli: "I don't know. I think it's as in garden tool."
Me: "So I could say you got raked?"
Kelli: "Or lawn mowed..."
Amanda: "I wanna get blown."
Lisa, Kelli, and Leah: "WHAT?!"
Amanda D: "I meant leaf blown."
Me: "Who the hell's at your house?"
Chris: "Probably."
"Did I win? Yes I did! I won lightbulb in my dinner and gum on my shoe!" - me (Josh broke a lightbulb in a restaurant and it landed in my food. Then I was pissed at Chris and tried to make a dramatic exit but my shoe was stuck to the ground because I stepped on gum)
"Am I George or are you Bernard?" -Me
Me: "Daddy's got sores on his naughty parts oozing with Gus..."
Amanda G: "What?"
Me: "I meant to say pus."
(This is from a song by Stephen Lynch called "Lullabye")
"There's laws about that. He can't be feeling my boobs by himself, he has to have company." -Me after going to see a male doctor.
Mike: "Before we get started, I want you all to know that I am openly gay."
Josh: "So what do you think about the war?"
"I enjoyed your farming, fishing, and forrestry category. It was my favorite." - Amanda G. filling out a survey about Monster.com at 1 in the morning.
"I better go sleepy before I collapse on the computer and write funny stuff with my forehead." -Chrystal
"I could totally go for George Clooney if he didn't look like George Clooney." - Amber
"Who would think to put a fucking penguin on a poster?! Only me!" - Amber
Me: "Chris... What does the green flag mean?"
Chris: "I don't know, but it's blue and white."
Me: "How the fuck do you figure that a green flag is blue and white?!"
Chris: "I thought you said Greek."
Me: "My mom says it's inappropriate for me to ask Kasey Kahne to take me back to his hotel room."
Amanda D: "Inappropriate Schminappropriate."
Me: "They added on to the church [where we met before marching in the homecoming parade]. The band is going to be so confused."
Amanda D: "Band member down! Band member down! Damn building."
"Who the fuck ordered winter?!" - Amanda D.
"You had a but forming in your mouth." - Staci
"Help! I'm covered in molten doogloobies!" - Staci
"That's like the government trying to cover up the assassination of Bill Cosby." - Mom (We were talking about conspiracy theories and she said this. She meant to say JFK but she was looking at a picture of Danny Glover in the newspaper and for some reason the name Bill Cosby came out.)
"If his name is Randall, why do we call him Chuck?!" - Aleisha (Amber was pretending to be Justin Timberlake and referred to her "dad" Randall. Aleisha didn't realize that and said this in reference to Amber's real dad, Chuck.)
"I NEED TO START WATCHING NASCAR!!! That Jamie McYummy is FINE." - Cee
The Drunken Quotes
I stay sober when my friends drink so I can babysit... Also because it's really hilarious. Here are things my friends have said while drunk.
"We met because we had knockers next to each other. Wait, that's not right. SHE has knockers, WE had lockers." -Josh
"Lisa? Do you know what drunk is? It's funny, stupid, and loud."
-a few minutes later-
"Drunk is stupid. And loud. Lisa, what was the other one? FUNNY! And numb... Lisa, my foot is numb. And my tongue. See, that's why people talk funny when they're drunk. Their tongues are numb." -Amanda G.
"I have to call the clock at one." -Bill
Me (completely sober): "Come on Nick. It's time to go upstairs."
Nick (drunk): "Can I bring my gum?"
"See? I'm not drunk! I can use the soap!" -Amber
"I am sooooooo drink!" - Amanda G.
Stacie (still sober after 11 drinks): "Josh, you need to go sit down."
Josh (drunk): "I'm not sitting?!"
"I am soo glad I'm not driving. I thought the white line was birds. I thought 'DON'T HIT THE BIRDS!' Then I realized they had no legs..." - Amanda G.
"Why am I standing? I remember wanting to sit, but I just never did it." - Amanda G.
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